Two strikes. My marriage record was poor. Would there be a third? Does the three strike rule apply to marriages?
1977 – I marry an alcoholic, someone I did not know well and someone very different in background and values. Lots of strife. It lasted 6 years. The minuses were many during and after the marriage, but the big plus was my beautiful daughter.
1987 – I marry another alcoholic. Really? Guess I had to work through some old stuff (like a mother who was an alcoholic.) Emotional abuse. Three separations and reconciliations. Finally broke free with my daughter. Yay for me!
Many years of spiritual growth and finding me again. An amazing therapist who helped me immensely. A couple of good long-term relationships, but in the end, neither was the man God had chosen for me. I knew there was someone else out there.
Thank goodness our God is a God of second (and third chances!) Enter an unexpected, but welcome younger, godly man. With a 7-year-old boy. An unlikely package, but with faith, we jumped in. Took our time. Waited three years. With God’s grace, we married and have had 11 amazing years together.
We have learned a lot about how to make a marriage successful and I thought I would share my tips for a happy marriage (especially having failed so miserably two times.)
- Faith – a shared faith life has been the foundation of our marriage. We keep God at the center, we attend church together, we teach a marriage prep class for formerly married couples, we teach Sunday School, and we talk about scripture and God’s plan for our lives.
- Unity of purpose – we share common values and a vision for our future together. I made the mistake of marrying two men who did not share my values or vision for our lives. This resulted in great chasms of insurmountable disconnection and disagreement.
- Turn towards versus away – this has been key when we have had disagreements. You can read my post about it here. The idea is that no matter what the disagreement, no matter how mad or frustrated you are, you make the decision to turn back towards your partner, instead of turning away and distancing yourself. There may need to be a cooling off period, but ultimately, you come back to together to connect again.
- Keep it physical, baby. No two ways about it – keeping connected with physical intimacy has been very important to the success of our marriage. Even when we are tired and distracted, a hug or a kiss can go a long way toward shoring up our energy and spirits. Early on, we read The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which I highly recommend for all couples, and discovered that physical touch was very important to us. If we go too long without it, I tell my husband my love tank is empty. He gets the message.
- Use humor to get over the bumps. There have been many times when we have been in a tense discussion and I will stop in my tracks and say to myself, “this is going the wrong way fast.” So I will inject something like, “Don’t get snippy with me, mister!” or “I bet you wish you had a non-bitchy wife when you got home, don’t you?” and it will change the entire energy of the situation.
So those are my top 5 tips to a happy marriage. I would love know yours – what makes your marriage successful? Leave me a comment below….
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.