Should you ignore red flags in a relationship?
So you have been dating someone for a while and things might be getting serious. But, there are a few “minor” things that are bothering you about this person. It might be their drinking habits or they are obsessed with sports and you can take it or leave it. It might be their political or religious views which are very different from yours. It could be anything.
But…you really like this person, they have a lot of good qualities and you think maybe you can overlook these “minor” things, because you love their company most of the time. Maybe they are a great kisser…maybe all your friends love him. They tell you they love you and that feels good.
My suggestion to you is pay attention to the red flags!!!
There is a good reason why you feel uneasy in your spirit.
My mistake in the choosing of husbands is that I did ignore the red flags and they were right in front of me.
Husband #1 – Met him when he was moving furniture into our building at work. Really cute. Very different form anyone I had dated and that appealed to me. We came from very different educational backgrounds. He did not finish high school. I was a college grad. He had had run-ins with the law as a young man. The authorities had suggested he attend AA meetings, but he refused. He wasn’t drinking in front of me, so I ignored that piece of information. I did not introduce him to my family until after we went to the courthouse to get married. Because I was pretty sure my parents would not approve. No faith life at all.
Outcome: major drinking problems, hanging with his friends after work instead of coming home. Pretty much I did single parenting. “The mother is in charge of that.” Separation. Reconciliation. Divorce #1 followed by threats and restraining orders. Non-payment of child support. It was ugly.
Husband #2 – The package looked good from the outside. Nice looking. Ex-marine chaplain. Lawyer. Intelligent. Knew each other only 6 months before marrying. Seemed like a really good guy. But…
Outcome: He was a drinker. Every day/night. Managed to go to work every day, so he claimed “I am not an alcoholic.” He was mean and emotionally abusive to my daughter and to me, especially when he was drinking. We did have “similarities” in religious views, so I thought we were compatible. Wrong. He objected to my attending the church of my choice and said I should not take communion there. I thought he would protect me from husband #1. Major reason for marrying him. He would come home from work, fix a drink and then never stop until he passed out/fell asleep. 3 separations. 3 reconciliations. Promised to get counseling. Then refused. Divorce #2.
My point in sharing this with you is that there are real reasons that you feel a hesitation in your spirit, your mind and in your body when in a relationship. I did, but I ignored them.
Now I do have one blessing that came from Marriage #1 – my beautiful daughter. So for that I am very grateful.
But I ignored the red flags.
Don’t do what I did.
Pay attention to incompatibilities. They don’t get better after marriage.
Pay attention to drug and alcohol abuse. They don’t get better after marriage (unless they go into treatment – but still, it’s a long shot).
Pay attention to differences in values – family, religious, work. They don’t typically get better after marriage.
Pay attention to their past troubles as they share them with you. Those are red flags.
When I met my husband, with whom I have been happily married 11 amazing years, we took our time. We got to know each other very well. I had taken enough time after Divorce #2 (over 10 years) to determine what I was looking for in a husband – if I was ever going to marry again – and that was a big “if.” We waited 3 years to marry. We made sure we were compatible and we spent time communicating our needs and our feelings on a deep level. We shared a lot. We got pre-marital counseling.
So I urge you to pay attention to red flags. It could save you from heartache and disappointment. You deserve the best and a happy, fulfilling life.
Care to share? I would love to hear how maybe you paid attention or ignored red flags in a relationship. Leave your comments below.
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Find me here: www.janespringer.com.
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.