The Harsh Start-Up – A Sign You Are Not Communicating Effectively

Today started badly.  After waking up several times in the night, I was awake at 4:30 a.m.  Could not go back to sleep.  So my mind went to what had occurred before we went to bed.  Something my husband had done that had irritated me, but I had not really voiced how upsetting it was to me.  So at 4:30 a.m., I rehashed it all again in my mind. Then my mind moved to a website issue that was bothering me.

Thrashing back and forth, getting up and down.

Finally at 5;45 a.m. I said to my husband, “Are you awake?”, to which he responded , “Yes.”  At that point, I launched into how I felt about what had irritated me the night before.  At 5:45 a.m.!!  Silence greeted my rant.  So, I got up and went into the kitchen

By the time husband had showered and appeared in the kitchen, I had simmered down and felt a little better. He looked at me and said, “I wasn’t THAT awake.”  We smiled and hugged and spoke to each other about the day ahead. I am sure we will discuss the cause of the disagreement later at a less volatile time.

This is a classic example of what Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, calls The Harsh Start-up.  And this can apply to any relationship communication, but he specializes in couples.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states he can tell whether couple will split up or not based on observing the way they argue in his Love Lab and there are six signs things are going downhill.

The very first sign is The Harsh Start-Up and boy, did I step in it!  I was ready with guns loaded before the conversation ever began.  It is generally accompanied by criticism or sarcasm.  In my case, I did it before my husband was fully awake.  Not fair. Although I didn’t exactly criticize him, I sure let him know how displeased I was about his actions the night before.  Bad timing.

Maybe you have begun an interaction with a loved one with harsh words, criticism or sarcasm.  Did it go downhill from there?

I won’t go into all six signs, but there is still hope for the relationship, even if you demonstrate all six signs.  There are six principles you can follow to get things back on track.  One of the principles we have remembered after 11 years of marriage is Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.

We make a conscious effort to connect after The Harsh Start Up.  Engaging in normal chit-chat, making physical contact.  These are sign that we are turning towards each other versus away.  Away would mean stony silence, not acknowledging the other person, keeping your distance.

Partners who characteristically turn towards each other are building what Gottman calls the couple’s emotional bank account.  They are building up emotional savings to draw upon when times get tough and they are face with a major life stress or conflict.  They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their relationship even during hard times.

Tonight I am going to apologize for my Harsh Start-Up.

Do you engage in Harsh Start-Ups in your relationships?  Can you relate to what happened to us this morning?  If so, to read more about the six danger signs in couple communication, I highly recommend Dr. Gottman’s book.  It really made an impression us before we even got married.  Try turning towards instead of away and see what happens.  It could be a game-changer.

I would love to hear about your communication challenges.